Experience comes first!

Assalamualaikum W. B. T. Hello peeps! :)


Ni post random yang dibuat untuk meluahkan rasa hati ja. Hehe. I dont know why, but these days, I keep on thinking about my past relationships. Yes, relationship(s). Bukan banyak pun ex ex. I would not considered them as an ex, they are just someone who once makes me happy & treats me well. Each of them has their own qualities that made me fall into them. Eventhough I have many past relationships since in highschool, but those relationship is not something that I considered as a relationship. Get it? Hahaha. Saya tidak iktiraf hubungan couple couple yang saya buat masa sekolah menengah. Sebab tu semua time budak budak. Hiks.


There are actually two people that I would considered as someone that I really do love. One of them is a guy that I met after taking my SPM, during my part time working days... Lets call him N. I really fall inlove with this guy. I really do like him soooo much, until the day that he left, it hurts me badly. Hmm. Kalau fikir balik la, memang time sekolah menengah pun ada nangis nangis juga konon sebab break up. Tapi ntah kenapa, bagi saya, break up dengan dia ni la paling teruk. Maybe sebab bagi saya, dialah lelaki terbaik yang saya pernah kenal. Dan mungkin sebab saya rasa dia memang serius dengan saya. Dia tanya pasal solat, pasal benda benda berkaitan agama, sampai satu masa tu dia cakap "nanti 2018 kita kahwin ah" tapi saya tidak setuju, sebab time tu umur saya 25. So dia adjust lagi masa. I guess, thats why I like him so much and I hold on to him. Sebab janji tipu dia tu. Yang akhirnya, benda tu menyakitkan saya. Betul la orang cakap, jangan berjanji masa tengah happy. One reason for us to be apart is because of me that keeps on questioning his love. La sangat. Duii. Banyak lagi benda actually yang dia cakap, yang buat saya suka dia sangat sangat. Yes, stupid me for believing such lies from a man. Duhh.


Oleh sebab saya betul betul mau lupakan dia ni la, saya start bekawan balik dengan ex saya, c A. A ni saya kenal sebelum saya kenal c N lagi. A & N ni kawan sekolah menengah actually. Saya rasa N ni berminat kawan saya sebab dia nampak saya bekawan sama A dan kawan kawan dia lain. Balik kepada cerita ni, saya bekawan balik dengan A ni time dia tengah PLKN. Kami bermesej tiap hari sampailah satu hari dia call. Dari sana la, setiap hari sabtu saya tunggu dia mesej. Sabtu ka jumaat, I dont remember. Sehinggalah satu hari, keputusan U d umumkan. Saya dapat UiTM, and dia pun dapat UiTM seminggu lepas tu. DAN kebetulan lagi kami satu kelas. So, dalam kelas yang pertama tu la kami mula mula jumpa. And from there, everything starts to be sweet. Satu hari tu, I dunno why, for me, relationship dalam fb tu bukan benda yang serius sangat pun. Sekadar mau main main in relationship ja. Saya request c A ni.. and mungkin dia rasa saya bagi hint saya suka. Haha. Ntah la. Dia cakap "Lets take it slow" and I was like laughing my heart out sebab saya main main ja. But in the same time, I do like him. Jadi kami bekawan la~ Until one dayy, ada orang tanya saya pasal status kami. I told him, I told the person that we're just friends. And he was like "kita kawan ka?" I was like "Ya la, ko teda tanya pun" -,- hahahaha. Memang budak budak la. Then dia pun tanya "Sudikah ko jadi girlfriend saya?" hahahah childish. Geli ingat. So saya setuju, and it leads to a romantic relationship. Duhh.


Okay. Lepas bbrp bulan kami bersama, atau lepas berminggu? (nda ingat), tiba tiba N mesej FB. Bagi youtube pasal sayang sayang segala. Unfortunately, he was too late. I cant leave A just like that when I said I love him. So saya pun lepaskan ja N ni. Saya tidak layan dia pun. 1 year berlalu, c N ada juga try try tegur, but the same thing I do, saya x layan. Until one time, viral pasal kahwin kahwin awal ni. Masa tu kan muda remaja, mestilah rasa macam mau kawin awal jugaaaa >.< camtu. Haha. So I started questioning A ni. Beberapa ketika lepas tu, saya xrasa pun A ni memang serius suka. Sebab dia senang lepaskan saya, dia senang senang pilih break daripada buat benda yang saya request. Bukan benda yang teruk pun. Setakat minta dia TRY solat 5 waktu. Try ja, bukannya kasi full. Dia sanggup pilih break up. Lolz. Tapi kami x break, because I do love him. Banyak lagi berlaku lepas tu.. Sampai satu tahap....I feel nothing. Saya sayang dia sangat, but I cant go on. Even cakap pasal kahwin dengan dia pun, dia buat muka yang memang sangat xsuka. Cakap pasal baby comel sebelah kereta pun mood dia terus berubah. Which makes me cry. Lol. But one thing yang memang kelemahan A ni, bila saya nangis, dia terus risau. Haha. Crying makes our relationship better. Lol. But that one particular day, theres nothing to be crying or regretting about. I can see his final effort though. We have once fight because of politics. Then he said "Kalau A ada bini nanti, mmg A suru dia undi ****" so saya pun marah. Gara gara politik, dia boleh ketepikan saya sebagai calon isteri? Haha. But on the day that we almost break up, when I talked about this one party, he gives me a positive respond. I guess he was afraid of losing me, thats why he's like that. Unfortunately, its too late. I cannot go on with our relationship. I'm so tired of giving out my best, trying the best I can to be his "perfect" girlfriend so that he can see the true value of having me. Its not that he does not love me. I know he really do loves me. But its not enough for me...maybe? Sebab bagi saya, buat apa kami becinta lama lama bila dia langsung tidak terfikir pun untuk kawin. Dengan senang cakap "ada jodoh kita kawin la". He's a great boyfriend. I am sure he can be a great husband, but not to me. Dia memang sangat sangat baik. Everytime there is something I want, dia memang akan cuba beli. Tapi tu la, memang teda jodoh antara kami. Haha.


So, a few days before everything ends (masa ni memang hubungan kami d hujung sudah), N kontek balik dari fb. And we were chatting etc. Exchanging fon number. Kebetulan masa ni, A tengah guna fb saya, and he read everything. And we have a big fight. But I was too tired of fighting. Ntah la, bukan saya curang pun. I just feel like. kami terlalu asyik begaduh. Ada ja yang xkena d mata saya, ada ja yg xkena d mata dia juga. In the end, we broke up. Bukan sebab N tu, tapi sebab saya betul betul penat. Saya masih sayang dia, but I cant go on. Tidak lama lepas tu, N ni mula kontek sy balik. At first, saya ingat dia teda gf. Tapi rupanya ada. Saya tidak lagi mau layan dia, tapi dia pujuk berabis. Dia cakap lagi dia xlama lagi break sebab dorang asyik gaduh, dia rasa dia xngam dengan gf dia. Why did I believe those words? Why did I be someone that takes someone elses boyfriend kan. I tried hard to push him away but he tried hard to make me trust him. I was stupid to trust him again. And well, after a month, he hurt me again. Saying that he feels guilty towards his girlfriends. Tau juga dia. Tapi salah saya juga, kenapa saya layan juga bila dia merayu berabis. Haha. At that time, I thought that he was supposed to be mine since I know him first. And he also told me that we havent really broke up sebab teda kata putus. Pfft. And at that time, I was hurt so much. I forgot to mention, the reason why I was happy to get to know him again because I thought he would be the one. Which was totally wrong. Lol. It took me about 3~6 months to forget about him.


Haha. Which then causes me to be afraid of having a relationship. But a few months after, I get close with this one guy in my class. This guy is also afraid of having a relationship. He's the one that tried hard to get to know me. We were really close for one year... until one day, he left. This time, I am not too hurt, but the feeling is more to being afraid of getting to know anyone. I have no interest in getting to know new people. Its not that this person hurts me, but its because, I couldnt trust anyone anymore. Which leads to the "me" now. :D



-The end.

Two cents opinion

Assalamualaikum W. B. T, hello :D
Its been a while since my veryyyy last post. Hehe. I really missed blogging, but before this, there was this one guy that told me to stop blogging and let him be my so-called blog. But... How is that possible when he's the one that does not have any interest in staying in my life? Well, maybe he do want to stay, but I pushed him away. But he pushed me too. Entah laaa. He's just a friend though, not more than that. 


Well, I guess thats how people are these days. Having a really deep friendship-relationship where they talked everyday about life and random stuff, meet up and eat together, waiting for each other text's. I think..thats how people are these days. Maybe "that" person was right, I am a classic malay girl. Lol. Eventhough I've been in many relationship, but I never really have any guy friend that I am really closed with, where I share ALL my secrets and feel nothing about him at all. I guess I'm the kind of girl that is easily swayed by a men's word. Its not their fault though, they just want to be friends. 


"I like being friends with you" yeah, me too. I like being friends too. But why should friends be flirty with each other? Why should friends contact each other everyday without any important reasons? Why should friends share each others picture? I just don't get those type of friendship. Its not that I dont have any guy friend or never contacted any guy before. I do and I have. Its just, for someone that I'm not interested in, I never shared any of my pictures or any of my life stories. So I really dont get the type of friendship between a man and a women that shares any pictures, etc. 



Its not their fault though. Its their nature to be friendly with all girls. To share their life and pictures with every girl that they're currently contacting. Its not their fault. Its my fault for thinking its something special when thats just something that they normally do. And the part that I really dont understand is....why should I care for these types of people? Why should I stay? One thing that I really hate the most in the world is someone that treats me just the same as he treats every women. I really do hate that kind of guy. I'm not the same as any of the girls they're currently contacting. I wouldnt be swayed by a playboy. Then again, its their nature. There's no wrong in doing that anyway. They dont have anyone besides them, they dont have any hearts to take care, so why should they be aware of what they're doing. Kan? 


I dont blame them. I'm just blaming myself for trying to accept things and try to go on. Its my fault for enduring the pain. The pain which I got from my previous so-called relationship. The pain of not being able to trust anyone. But I endure it..and I try to trust. But it doesnt lasts long. I couldnt endure it. I'm too afraid of falling in love again without anyone catching. I'm afraid of liking someone that wouldnt like me. Thats why I stopped contacting any guy friends. I dont want the same thing to happen again. I'm scared. I'm too scared of being hurt.


Its a lie if I say I didnt get hurt in the process of trying to prevent myself from contacting anyone. It hurts a little. But what can I do? Letting go is much better than staying anyway. Why should I risk my heart for someone that might not feel the same way? For someone who contacts EVERY girl he knows. Why do I keep being close to guys that loves to be around girls? Why do I keep getting attracted to guys with that kind of attitude? Bukan lelaki gatal pun. Tapi lelaki yang suka bkawan rapat dengan semua perempuan. Dengan siapa2 perempuan pun. But then, its not their fault. Its their nature. Why am I even questioning their actions when the reason is just too obvious? 


Pfft.